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I Am A Weapon Of Massive Consumption

Usually, I don’t much care what people spend their money on (so long as they aren’t buying an election or putting a hit on someone).  I have encouraged people to be conscientious consumers:  try not to buy stuff made by children living in squalor, try to buy local, if you can afford it, try to make sure you aren’t giving your hard earned money to companies that oppose your beliefs.  These are things I try to do, and I admit, I could do better, but I try.  But I don’t climb on my soapbox if someone’s house is full of stuff made in China (maybe you cannot afford – or find – stuff that isn’t), or shop at the mall (maybe that boutique on Main Street doesn’t carry your size), or just cannot resist Chick-Fil-A (maybe you like chicken more than gay people.  Okay, that one makes you an asshole).  If you worked hard for your money (or if you were lucky enough to win the lottery), you have the right to choose to do what you will with it.  I may not make the same choices, and I may not like or understand your choices (I may even think your choices are down right stupid), but it’s not my money.

But I recently found out about something that people are buying – in droves – that enrages me.  There is a company selling luxury ice.  Luxury ice.  Luxury.  Ice.

How have the marketing geniuses (and I mean that with absolutely zero sarcasm, because to sell millions – yes, millions – of dollars in luxury ice, you have to be one hell of a silver tongued sonofabitch) behind this en devour convinced the rich and famous to spend their cold hard cash on luxury ice spheres or hand carved cubes (am I the only one that thinks a hand carved ice cube sounds pretentious?)?  Is it fortified with vitamins and minerals?  No.  Is it made from glacial waters, which some believe to be linked to longer life expectancy?  Nope.  It melts slower (so it won’t water down that $30,000 bottle of whiskey) and has zero-taste (a term they have actually trademarked), unlike that common, disgusting, unhealthy ice served in a typical restaurant, where the low people dine.  I wish I was kidding.  To quote their website:

Traditional machine-ice, generally made with local tap water, may contain upwards of 150 impurities and carcinogens, resulting in poor tasting and potentially unhealthy ice.  

Because no one has ever heard of a water filter?

So, why does this infuriate me so?  I can appreciate, if you are a connoisseur of  expensive alcohol (this would be one of the choices I just don’t understand), that you would like ice that doesn’t water it down so quickly or alter the taste.  But I really just can’t get past the $6.50 per cube price tag.  In a world where there are millions of people, entire countries, without clean drinking water, it’s an abhorrent show of extravagance.  Isn’t it enough to flaunt that we have so much clean water that we defecate in it?  Couldn’t the people literally pissing their money away, instead, spend it on something useful? Like something that will provide clean water to a person for up to 4 years?  Or anything else that would make a real difference in the world?

Apparently not.  Assholes.

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My Body Tells Me No

Hey, Body.  We need to talk.

I love you, but our relationship just isn’t working anymore.  Lately, you’re always tired or weak or in pain, and we never do any of the things I want to do.  We miss work, cancel social outings, skip work outs and put off chores, all because you aren’t pulling your weight.  The migraines are the worst, but the plantar fasciitis and newly developed back pain are no picnic either (and don’t even get me started on your refusal to make a baby).  Add in the fatigue and muscle wasting, and you’re acting twice our age.  At least.

I know it isn’t all your fault.  I don’t take care of you the way I should.  I don’t give you enough vegetables, and I fill you with way too many carbs.  I spend too much of our time watching TV, and I don’t make you move enough.  Sometimes, I don’t think about you at all.  Quite simply, I take you for granted.  And for that, I am truly sorry.

So, hows about we make a deal?  Hows about, I promise to take better care of you?  To pay attention to you?  To fill you with good foods and get you off the couch more?  And in return, you ease up on the migraines and the fatigue?  You stop objecting to everything I want, and especially, everything we need?  Hows about, I stop taking you for granted, and you let us live life, instead of just dreaming about it from the couch?  Whaddya say?  Can we give it a shot?

Love, Your (arguably) Better Half

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It Wears Me Out

I was talking with a friend the last week, and she told me that she was happy that I had written about the fertility problems I have had, because so many women have similar stories, but never talk about them.  It was nice to think that writing about it might make someone else feel less alone in their struggle.  And it made me think about something else people don’t talk about much.  Depression.

Several years ago, I suddenly found myself incredibly moody.  I would cry at the drop of a hat.  Anyone who knows me, knows that crying is kinda my default.  I cry when I’m angry, nervous, embarrassed or sad.  I even cry when I laugh (which is why I don’t bother wearing make-up).  But this had reached a whole new level.  All Nick had to do was look at me wrong, and I was in tears.  Forgot something at the store?  Tears.  Mashed potatoes came out lumpy?  Down poor.  Can’t get that stupid little fucking thing to go into that other stupid little fucking thing?  Monsoon season.

And I was exhausted.  All.  The.  Time.  It was all I could do to just to get up and go to work in the morning.  I would come home, pop on the tv, lay down on the couch with Kayla and pass out.  Every night.  And all day on the weekends, too.  I was already drinking a ton of caffeine, so I tried taking vitamin B supplements and looked up foods that would increase energy.  Nothing worked.  It’s scary to admit, but if someone had walked up to me at that time with a drug (legal or no) that would have made me less tired, I would have seriously considered taking it.  I wouldn’t have done it (at least, I tell myself I wouldn’t have), but it would have been very difficult to say no.  And for someone who hates taking medication, that’s fairly noteworthy.

While complaining to Nick one night about the exhaustion and admitting that I may have fantasized about taking drugs to keep me awake, he told me he didn’t think there was anything wrong with my thyroid or metabolism.  He thought I was depressed.  I thought he was insane.  I didn’t feel sad.  Wasn’t being sad kind of the key symptom to depression?  And my life hadn’t fallen apart.  What was there to be depressed about?  But I agreed to go to the doctor to find out what was really going on.

At the doctor’s office the following week, when explaining why I was there, I burst into tears.

She agreed with Nick, but ran a blood panel to make sure there was nothing physically wrong with me.  There wasn’t.  She put me on Prozac and suggested I find a therapist.  I did.

During my first therapy session, I told her I didn’t feel sad, and had no idea why I was depressed.  She asked me about what had been going on in my life.  Had I had any loses or stress or big changes recently?  And I said, no, nothing big.  So she asked me about the not so big.  I started crying before I got out the first sentence.  I told her about my fertility issues and about my beloved golden retriever, Buck, who had passed away the year before.  And how my best friend and I hadn’t spoken in a long time.  How Nick’s business had started to go down hill.  How one of my closest friends had moved to Europe.  How another one of my close friends, who had once hung out at our house almost every night, was now never around.  How my beloved Doberman had been diagnosed with Cushing’s disease, and how the medication cost $104 a month.  How my brother and my parents weren’t speaking.  How my mother had just been diagnosed with high cholesterol, high blood pressure and pre-diabetes.  How my father was told if he didn’t quit smoking, he probably only had about 10 years left.

She told me that was a lot of stuff to deal with all at once.  Even though none of them was huge, the sum of them all was taking it’s toll on me.  She said, if I told her all that was going on, and I wasn’t depressed, she would be wondering when it was all going to hit me.

I hated taking Prozac (aside from just not being a fan of medication, it gave me weird vivid dreams and made me twitch in my sleep, or worse, just on the verge of sleep, which would then snap me awake).  But I knew I needed it.  This was not the first depression I had gone through (not so surprisingly, the first had come in college, when I found myself virtually friendless, when all my high school friends went to different schools, and I, who commuted to UNH, lost the few friends I had managed to make during the first semester when none of them were in any of my classes anymore).  And my family has a history of depression.  My dad has struggled with it off and on his whole life (and I am nothing, if not my father’s daughter).  When he was just 6, he was put in a foster home temporarily when his mother tried to commit suicide.  And my whole life, I don’t know if I ever saw my grandmother really happy.  

So I took a pill and I went to therapy.  Therapy taught me how to cope with the things that caused my depression and the medication gave me time to heal and learn how to cope.  And eventually I got better.

When I felt I didn’t need it anymore, I weened myself off of the Prozac.  I felt my life was in a better place, and that I had more tools to help me get through the tough and stressful times.  And I felt the Prozac was doing more harm than good at that point.  The wonderful thing about antidepressants is, they make you indifferent.  The horrible thing about antidepressants is, they make you indifferent.

Everyone’s depression is different and so is everyone’s treatment.  There is no one size fits all.  This is just what worked for me.  But that’s not why I’m writing about it.  I grew up with depression, because of my dad, so there was never any stigma attached to it for me.  It’s just something that was (sometimes. And sometimes, it wasn’t).  So maybe, if we talk about it more, and we realize just how many of us sometimes need help, the stigma attached to it will whither up and die.  

When I realized I needed help, I got it.  And if a time comes again in the future where I feel I need help again, I will seek it.  If you feel anxious, or sad, or disinterested in life, or endlessly tired, and especially if you feel suicidal, please seek help.  And please don’t see it as a defect.  It’s not.  It’s your brain’s way of taking a break when life gets to be a little too much, when you don’t have time to process the first blow before the next one comes.  When a wave knocks you down, if you can’t stand up and take a breath before the next one hits you, you’ll drown.  Sometimes, you just need to float for a little while.  

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And So Today, My World It Smiles

The thirty things I am thankful for this November, and every other day of my life.

1.  Having a place to post my ramblings, even if no one else reads them (someone else reading them is both thrilling and terrifying).

2.  Our house.  It’s a love/hate kinda thing, but I’ll just focus on the love.  I recognize that so many others in the world would be thrilled with this house that, at times, drives me insane.  Despite it’s faults, I am happy to have a roof over my head.  It’s in our home town, close to our families, and the first place we called our own.

3.  My job.  I didn’t plan on going into the electronics industry.  As a matter of fact, I specifically planned not to.  My mom was in it while I was growing up, and I could not have been less interested in it.  But I started working with her part-time when I was 17.  And I kept working there part-time while I was in college.  When I dropped out of college, it became full-time.  Truth be told, it was a boring job, working on an assembly line.  But I slowly worked my way up from one department to another, and 19 years later – minus a couple breaks – I’m running the documentation department (in a different company, but working with the same people).  Rather than being an annoying quirk that gets in the way, my perfectionism is an asset.  It’s a good job, and I’m good at it.  And I love the people I work for and with.  It’s a laid back environment where a dirty joke gets laughed at instead of reprimanded (as long as a customer isn’t visiting).  There have been times in my life where getting out of bed every day was a chore, but I can honestly say that it has been a very long time since I have dreaded going to work.

4.  The internet.  I’m part of the last generation to not grow up with the computers being everywhere.  We got our first one when I went to college and a word processor wasn’t going to cut it anymore.  My first experience with the internet was AOL dial up.  Today, I can’t imagine life without a computer and the internet.  I use it daily, at work and at home.  I am not a constant contact person (Nick thinks it’s weird that I don’t carry my phone from room to room with me), but I am grateful that the internet lets me stay in contact with the people I love, no matter where they are.  I also love that it lets me feed my geeky/nerdy obsessions.

5.  Social media. I know this is sort of a branch off of the internet,but I felt that it deserved its own entry.  One, because it’s another love/hate thing (but I’ll set aside the annoying, and focus on the positive), and second, because it has not only let me stay in contact with the friends and family I miss, it also led me to a new friendship with someone who I had been acquainted with for years, but didn’t know well.  We have several mutual friends, but had never hung out together.  We discovered that we are scarily similar, thanks to geeky/nerdy posts and pissed off rantings, and a new friendship blossomed.  (And third, let’s not forget how much of a geeky fan girl it allows me to be.)

6.  Camera phones.  Sure, they can be used for evil.  Why teenagers think taking pictures of every stupid thing they do is a good idea is beyond me.  And why even adults think sexting is going to end in anything but public embarrassment is equally beyond me.  But when used for good, they allow people to capture the fascination this world has to offer every day.  Very few of us would carry a digital (or even a film) still camera and video camera around with us every day, even if we had the means to do so.  Personally, my camera phone has allowed me to capture some adorable moments with my dogs, some of which are no longer with us.  I will forever be grateful that I have those frozen moments, even if they do make me teary.

7.  My brain.  That probably sounds conceited, but I don’t give a shit.  I don’t have a great body, or a gorgeous face, but I have smarts, and I’m proud of it.  I’m a nerd and a geek, and I’m proud of that, too.  I love math and science and english and…well, if I won the lottery, and never had to work again, I think I would just go to college for the rest of my life.  I love to learn.

8.  Traveling.  I don’t do it nearly enough of it, but I love it.  Getting Nick to cross an ocean is going to either take a lot of drugs or the Queen Mary II, but eventually, I will get him to Europe.  And Hawaii (which will likely require a cruise ship).  I have loved every trip we have taken, even if he was working the whole time.  Spending time in a new city is fascinating.  And even the ones we have visited multiple times offer a new experience and new places to explore each time we go.  Scratch going to college for the rest of my life.  I’d split it between college and traveling.  And the reason I wouldn’t spend all my time traveling is because…

9.  Coming home.  Nothing makes me appreciate home like traveling.  Getting back to the familiar and routine is comforting.  And I miss my puppies and my family and my friends.  And, honestly, after a while, eating in restaurants gets a bit old.

10.  Our dog trainer.  I cannot possibly express how awesome Helen at No Monkey Business is.  Quite frankly, Ellie was a bit of nightmare when she was a puppy (maybe nightmare is a little harsh.  But she was certainly the most trying puppy I have ever had.  By several miles).  There were days I didn’t want to go home because it meant barking and biting and finding destroyed stuff and biting and running and biting and jumping and biting and a short nap and oh-you-thought-I-was-done-no-more-biting.  Helen was simply amazing.  She gave us the methods and skills to work through the hard times, so we could enjoy the great dog Ellie really is.  And when we got Remy, and she had some fearfulness of and aggression towards other dogs, Helen once again gave us wonderful advise, and today, Remy is incredibly dog friendly.  I will forever be thankful that I met Helen, for making us and our girls happier.

11.  Puppy play days.  Watching them interact with each other makes me smile and laugh almost the whole time we are there.  But my favorite thing about them is…

12.  Sleepy puppies.  My motto, since getting Ellie, is a tired puppy is a good puppy.  When they are worn out, they are far less likely to shred a wallet.  Or a pair of shoes.  Or a couch.

13.  Fall in New England.  I’m a four seasons girl, but fall is my favorite time of year.  The weather gets cooler, and then cold enough to wear hoodies and sweaters.  The world goes from lush and green to bursting with color.  I can bake again.  The smell of wood smoke and dead leaves fill the air.  And I can open the doors and windows.  At least for a little while.

14.  Rainy days.  There is no better excuse to curl up on the couch with a book and a puppy than rain days.  None.  Which reminds me…

15.  Books.  I love, love, love to read.  The imaginations of others will forever fascinate me.  A good book will suck me in for weeks after I am done reading it (one of the reason I am such a fan of series).  I find myself returning to those worlds long after the last page had turned.

16.  All things geeky.  Doctor Who, anything done by Kevin Smith, Dexter, comic books and comic book movies, Firefly, Veronica Mars, movies based on my favorite books (even if they never do them justice)…the list is endless.  I cannot get enough of it.  And though I may never dress up and go to Comicon (even though I secretly want to), I am a giant fan girl.

17.  My in-laws (and holy shit, are there a lot of them).  I come from a highly dysfunctional family.  People (lots of people) don’t speak to each other for decades, sometimes over actual slights, sometimes over “life-style choices,” sometimes over petty crap.  Nick’s family has very little of that.  For the most part, they are the most loving, tightly knit family I have ever met.  And more than that, they are just wonderful people.  They made me feel like a part of that family from the moment I walked through the door.  It’s a bit surreal to be part of a family that doesn’t let petty crap get in the way of loving one another.  But in a wonderful way.

18.  Christmas.  My cynical side takes a back seat around Christmas.  I love it.  I love that people are  a little nicer to each other.  I love driving around looking at the lit-up houses at night.  I love having an excuse to bake for people.  I even love the snow.  But the thing I love most is…

19.  Ravioli Day.  Hands down, my favorite day of the year.  The Sunday before Christmas (or sometimes, 2 Sundays before, depending on what day Christmas falls on), my mother-in-law’s entire family (did I mention they’re Italian?) gathers at her mother’s old farm house for a Christmas party, that we collectively and loving refer to as Ravioli Day.  Why?  Because we start the day by making ravioli from scratch.  We hand knead the dough (which has, somehow, become my thing), roll it into sheets, fill ’em, cut ’em, fork ’em and cook ’em.  Nick is a late sleeper, so I have my dad drop me off in the morning so I don’t miss anything.  I spend the entire morning with Nick’s aunts, cousins, mom and grammie, cooking, talking, singing and laughing.  Nothing beats spending the day with these women, who I love, admire and thoroughly enjoy.  At some point, when we can get everyone, or almost everyone, to stop for a minute, we have a cookie swap (there are oh, so many wonderful bakers in this family).  And then the dining table is loaded with spinach and sausage ravioli, cheese ravioli, sausage, meatballs, braciole, bread and salad (but, seriously, who wastes room on salad?), we gather around the table for a toast, usually lead by Uncle Bob, and then tuck in.  After dinner, we have a gift swap, but not before Auntie Pam makes us sing a few Christmas carols.  Cards are passed out, names are picked for next year (someone makes an ornament with each person’s name on it every year), and we eat dessert (cheese cake, birthday cake, cream puffs, cookies, zuccotto…).  And then we head home and enjoy the food coma.

20.  Spring.  Aside from Christmas and Ravioli day, I’m not much of a fan of winter.  I love the cold weather and snow for the holidays, but after New Years, winter just gets me down.  It’s dark when I go to work and dark by the time I get home.  I get gloomy cabin fever about mid January, when the weather is at its coldest.  So, when the day finally lasts longer than my workday, and the temperatures have risen to a balmy 35, I’m ecstatic.  And watching the green starts to creep back into the dreary world again banishes the last of my gloominess.

21.  My family.  The term dysfunctional doesn’t do it justice, but again, focusing on the positive.  Despite our inability to act like a family, I still love them.  Well most of them.  I may want to knock their heads together from time to time when they refuse to see or speak to each other, but I’m still happy I have them.  I wish the petty (and not so petty) crap that seems to continually erupt did not keep us from seeing each other, like the 2 amazing cousins I lost contact with over 20 years ago, only seeing each other again at our grandmother’s funeral (where I discovered they are even more amazing, and beautiful, and far too cool to be related to me).  Perhaps someday we will act more like a family.  In the meantime, I am thankful for the moments when we put our bullshit aside, and at least tolerate each other.  I’m also thankful there haven’t been any fistfights as weddings or funerals.

22.  My friends.  I may not have a large number of them (I’ve never been very good at making new friends), but the ones I have are tremendously important to me.  Some I see every day.  Some I see only a few times a year.  A couple live very far away, and I only get to see them once a year.  And a few live very close (and I still only get to see them once a year).  I am thankful for all of the time I have been able to spend with all of them.  I’m thankful for all the times they have made me laugh.  I am thankful that they have been there for me during the tough times, and that they have allowed me to be there for them during theirs.

23.  Alone time.  Sometimes, I just need to be by myself, doing my own thing for a while.  I don’t get enough of it these days.  I feel like there is always someone I need to see or something I need to do or a dog who needs something (or just can’t bear to be without me).  But I relish the time I do get, like the days I get to drive to work alone.  I can drive in quiet reflection, or sing at the top of my lungs.  Speaking of which…

24.  Singing.  It still scares the hell out of me, but I’m so happy I finally worked up the nerve to sing in front of people.  I owe a lot to my singing coach Tony, who guided me and encouraged me and taught me.   Now, I just need to not stand stock still while I’m singing.

25.  My Nana.  Without a doubt, the greatest lady I have ever known.  And the greatest female influence in my life.  She had a rough go of it at times:  a husband whose gambling and alcoholic addictions left her with very little money to feed and clothe their 8 children, and the worst arthritis I have ever seen, her hands gnarled and her feel swollen.  But despite her hardships, she was a happy woman.  I never heard her angry or depressed about her lot.  I never knew her to be bitter.  And even with her arthritis, she took care of her aging mother for years.  She was a stubborn ass and crotchety as hell if you pissed her off.  But I always remember her with a smile on her face, and remembering her always puts a smile on mine.

26.  My Dad.  I am incredibly close to my dad.  I see him every day.  I have breakfast with him on the weekends.  We talk for hours about anything and everything.  We have profoundly different views on a lot of things, and passionately debate them.  Making him laugh is one of my favorite things.  He has been an amazing father.  I hope he lives to be 100.

27.  Remy.  Despite the fact that her pounds per square inch make it feel like someone is ramming a steel rod thru my leg (or stomach, or chest) whenever she steps on me, I adore that little dog.  She wakes up wagging her entire body so much I swear she is going to pull a muscle one day.  Joy is in everything she does, chasing a ball, rolling around on the floor, going for a ride (unless she sees another dog.  Then it sounds like she wants to rip out their throat, but it’s just because she’s excited).  She will watch YouTube videos for hours.  She’s completely content just to hang out in her kennel.  She gets excited at the sound of little kids.  And when she runs, you can see she pours her whole heart into it.  And she has a ton of heart.  I’m so happy we got her, despite the 3 months of peeing everywhere in the house.

28.  Ellie.  My challenging puppy.  She taught me to be more patient and more understanding.  She made me be a better person and a better dog owner.  All of which I am grateful for.  On top of all that, she turned into a wonderful dog.  She’s adorable and goofy and funny and smart (too smart, way too fucking smart) and sweet.  She is the most exuberant dog I have ever known.  Knowing she is about to get a a simple milk bone (the little ones, and not even a whole one, at that) or a piece of carrot causes her to drool to the point that there is a visible wet spot on the carpet, and when she starts chewing them, it causes her saliva the foam around the edge of her mouth.  She “swims” in the living room, on her back, pushing herself off of one surface after another.  If I am sitting on the couch, and Nick starts walking down the hall, she jumps up on the couch and starts frantically licking my face, like “HE’S COMING!”  She gets so excited over some new toys, she groans and grumbles the entire time she’s chewing on them.  Everything is something to be excited about (except if the ceiling fan turns off, fuck that thing, it’s evil).  She makes me laugh every single day.  She loves her people fiercely (probably too much), all of them.  And even though I may, on occasion, threaten to have her voice box removed when she’s having a barking fit, I wouldn’t trade her for anything.  I love my goofy girl.

29.  And true to my save-the-best-for-last habits, I am thankful for my husband.  Simply put, he’s amazing.  He is strong and hard-working and impossibly funny.  He is what I refer to as the perfect amount of asshole (I don’t want a guy who’s too nice, but I also don’t want a guy who’s a complete prick.  I want nice, but not a push over, and not afraid to be a prick when the need arises).  He will do anything to make me laugh, no matter how annoying, politically incorrect, or just plain wrong it is.  He is a complete push over when it comes to our pups (I am definitely the mean parent).  He has a great relationship with my dad (it’s a little scary how similar they are at times).  He is always there for me, always supports me, and always always always makes me feel loved (and, somehow, beautiful).  And, on top of all that, he’s adorable.  I am grateful for everything that he does and all that he is.

30.  Every.  Single.  Day.  Some days, I think I would have been better off if I just stayed in bed.  Some days, migraines make it impossible for me to do anything.  Some days, the dogs insist of destroying the dish towels.  Or my shoes.  Or the couch.  But I’m still thankful for them all.  Especially the good ones (cough ravioli day cough).  Because they let me experience everything else on this list.